


the Academic Decathots dont understand english

by Hail_the_gay



Series: Thot-Man for president 2020 [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Asexual Cindy Moon, BAMF Michelle Jones, Bisexual Abe Brown, Bisexual Michelle Jones, Bisexual Peter Parker, Eugene Thompson doesnt suck, Gay Eugene Thompson, Lesbian Sally Avril, Memes, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Peter Parker is a Little Shit, Texting, just read please, nothing makes sense, text fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:07:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25557832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hail_the_gay/pseuds/Hail_the_gay
Summary: This is pretty much the acadec text group of my oneshot fic "Here we got, um... a dumbass and a smaller dumbass"So yeah.
Relationships: Academic Decathlon Team (Spider-Man: Homecoming) & Peter Parker, Michelle Jones/Peter Parker, Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: Thot-Man for president 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1852063
Comments: 21
Kudos: 177





	1. Abe has a stroke

**Author's Note:**

> Peter : Thot-Man  
> Flash : Sanic  
> Sally : Avril Lavigne  
> Abe : B-Abe  
> Ned : ***hacker voice* I'm in:**  
>  MJ : No  
> Cindy : Cindy-Ella  
> Charles : Got goat?

**Academic Decathots**

**Thot-Man:** hey, uh, you suck ass compared to Obama.

 **Thot-Man:** wait. Shit. Sorry, wrong person.

 **Avril Lavigne:** who was that supposed to be for?

 **Thot-Man:** tony

 **Sanic:** Like Tony /Stark/ Tony?

 **Thot-Man:** ye

 **B-abe:** i wanna kno how this came up

 **Got goat?:** and y tstark sucks ass compared to obama

 **Thot-Man:** Uh… well, we were talking about presidents and i said obama was the grreates and he was like ok yeah but not compared to me so i said you suck ass compared to obama and he just laughed and i was like its true dont hide from the truth and now hes going to kill me

 **Sanic:** F

 **Got goat?:** f

 **B-abe:** f

 ***hacker voice* I'm in:** fff

 **No:** F

 **Cindy-Ella:** FF

 **Avril Lavigne:** Big fucking F

 **Thot-Man:** thank

 **Avril Lavigne:** Welc

 **Thot-Man:** i think im safe 

**Sanic:** where safe?

 **Thot-Man:** vent safe 

**Thot-Man:** hide good no finsgnsugnusnfuwUNRIUfniusn

 **Cindy-Ella:** hOly ShiT?!!!!! 

**Cindy-Ella:** did peter just get assassinated?

 **B-abe:** he ded

 **No:** I swear to god Parker if you're late for practice tomorrow I'll kill you myself. Even if you are dead.

 ***hacker voice* I'm in:** Peter take it seriously no matter what, you will not recover from the wrath of MJ

 **Got goat?:** I think he can recover from the wrath of his own girlfriend he calls her Emmie for godssake

 **Thot-Man:** So this is the group chat Pete’s alway going on about.

 **Avril Lavigne:** Oh my god he really is dead.

 **Cindy-Ella:** Can you tell peters corpse that MJ will actually murder him if hes not there tomorrow?

 **Thot-Man:** Got it.

 **Sanic:** Hey, who is this?

 **Thot-Man:** Tony  
**Thot-Man:** Why is this Peter’s name?

 **B-abe:** Update: flash just passed out in the library

 **Avril Lavigne:** cause he spider man

 **Got goat?:** he thicc too

 **No.:** Can't disagree

 **Thot-Man:** ok suednqaeus cESDC sorry yall tony took my phone

 **Thot-Man:** I agree

 **Thot-Man:** one thicc bih here

 **Thot-Man:** madtony.jpeg

 **Thot-Man:** he mad

 ***hacker voice* I'm in:** lol

 **Avril Lavigne:** You DID NOT

 ***hacker voice* I'm in:** wut

 **Avril Lavigne:** SAY “LOL” TO MAD ToNY

 **Cindy-Ella:** oh, but he did sally, he did

 **Avril Lavigne:** CAUSE THEMS FUCKIN FIGHTIN WURDS

 **Got goat?:** I thought you were gonna be an english major sally, what happened to the words

 **B-abe:** yeah sallY! Give us the qworsud!

 **No:** Did Abe just have a stroke?

 **B-abe:** Tehem wordsoejn!

 **No:** I'm going to go take Abe to the hospital.


	2. Jake Gyllenhaal's teeth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter is odd.

**Academic Decathots**

**Avril Lavigne:** yall

 **B-abe:** me

 **Avril Lavigne:** good enough

 **Avril Lavigne:** anyways I was in hi story and I look out the window as one does when depressed ovr class and I see Peter goddamn Parker tumbling out the window of mistah k’s 3RD STORY WINDOW

 **Avril Lavigne:** he hits the ground and starts running. I see Jenny Figari look out the window and shout something angry and he just flips her off and keeps running

 **Avril Lavigne:** currently watching him sprint down the road towards the 7-11 and then probably the J-train

 **B-abe:** sally wth?

 **B-abe:** can anyone explai

 **Got goat?:** I’m in that class rn and just watche it happen

 **Got goat?:** Pete got paired with Theodore and Dimitri for a project on Shakespeare and Mr. K was like “pick a play as the study it” or whatever, I was not paying attention and Peter was like “les do Romeo and Juliet cause that’s an awesome play about hatred conquered by love” and Dimitri said “no that’s too girly” and Theodore was like “as long as I get to read bout hot girl tits I’m good with whtever” and Peter just stared in disgust at them both 

**Got goat?:** and then he was like “fuck this shit I’m out” but he said it with his face and then he jumped out the window and everyone screamed and Jenny leans out the window and told the class he was fine and then walked lie “come backs you fuckin coward” and he wa like “lol no”

 **Avril Lavigne:** omg

 **Avril Lavigne:** he ok?

 **Thot-Man:** he ok

 **Avril Lavgine:** oh thank god

 **Thot-Man:** ur welcom

 **B-abe:** Hey Pete why not ded

 **B-abe:** must be god???

 **Thot-Man:** no god, only Spider-Man

 **B-abe:** whatcha doing?

 **Thot-Man:** idk the theater downtown is showing “October Sky” for tbt so I might go watch it

 ***hacker voice* I’m in:** I’ve been summoned

 **Thot-Man:** pls don’t

 **Got goat?:** pls do

 ***hacker voice* I’m in:** too late brother

 ***hacker voice* I’m in:** when we were in five grade it was like the end of the year and we had nothing to do and the theater was showing October sky so our science teachers were like hell yea and we went to watch it

 ***hacker voice* I’m in:** since it’s a pretty old movie none of us knew what it was so we were like who are these guys and wth is this??? The poster for the movie was on the screen before they showed it when everyone wa getting settled and Peter was like

 **Thot-Man:** I’m breaking up with you if you finish that sentence

 ***hacker voice* I’m in:** “that’s Jake Gyllenhaal” without any background and so much confidence so I was like “how the hell you know that???” And he went “the teeth” and I was like “pardon??” And he was like “those are Jake Gyllenhaals teeth” and it fucking /was/ 

***hacker voice* I’m in:** and I still make fun of him for it

 **Thot-Man:** I fucking hate you

 **Got goat?:** that was fucking gold

 **Got goat?** changed **Thot-Man** ’s name to **Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth**

 **Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** never mind I hate Charles more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this actually fucking happened. one of my best friends can recognize jake gyllenhaal by his teeth and i only remembered that the other day so i wrote it down here.


	3. Flash wth??

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flash is gay ig

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love you <3 (I'm too tired to type my whole spiel about loving yourself and drinking water so do that anyways.)

**Academic Decathots**

**Cindy-Ella:** hey uh

 **Cindy-Ella:** what the fuck Flash? 

**Avril Lavigne:** I don’t know whatcha did but if was prob terrible so

 **Avril Lavigne:** what the fuck flash?

 **Sanic:** ok it’s not horrible

 **:Sanic** Cindy and I are studying for French In the hall and Christopher Freidburg walked by and Cindy said “I’d tap that” and my Brian automatically went “me too”” sooooo

 **Sanic:** hi y’all I’m gayyyy

 **Avril Lavigne:** congrats it’s a gay

 **Sanic:** lol

 **Got goat?:** you should ask him out!!!!

 **Sanic:** idk if he’s into guys

 **Got goat?:** I promise you. He’s into guys 

**Sanic:** pardon?????

 **Got goat?:** ;)))))))

 ***hacker voice* I’m in:** omg Charles fucked Christopher Freidburg

 **Avril Lavigne:** why’d you show up??? when Charles???? was being accused of fucking Chris????

 ***hacker voice* I’m in:** *shrug*

 ***hacker voice* I’m in:** I know all about Charles’ sex life

 ***hacker voice*I’m in:** actually I know bout like all y’all as sex lives

 ***hacker voice* I’m in:** Charles fucked Christopher like two months ago, Frankie 5 months ago in Flash’s parents room at his last party

 **Sanic:** I told ou to stay out of those rooms???

 ***hacker voice* I’m in:** mostly josh for a few months but one Patty in there

 ***hacker voice* I’m in:** I know more but that’s take like twenty minutes

 **Sanic:** me?

 ***hacker voice* I'm in:** mostly girls but then George Dickinson *who really lives up to his name* came along and you figured out why you never enjoyed the Susan’s and Katie’s.

 **Sanic:** horrifying accurate.

 **Cindy-Ella:** me!!!

 ***hacker voice* I’m in:** you’re asexual. No one

 **Cindy-Ella:** yeah man!!!

 **Avril Lavigne:** me.

 ***hacker voice* I’m in:** raging lesbian

 **Avril Lavigne:** yep.

 **B-abe:** me next me next

 ***hacker voice* I’m in:** a few girls a few guys, you’ve stayed mostly pure

 **B-abe:** *curt nod*

 **No:** try me bitch.

 ***hacker voice* I’m in:** you’ve experimented. Only dudes now because Peter.  
But you’ve had a few girls cause they’re the ones most confident to flirt with you. I’ve heard from a few guys (read: Peter + like all the Thomas’s in our school) that you give really good blowjobs.

 **No:** and I’m scared of you now?

 **B-abe:** MJ gave blowjobs to all of the Thomas’s in our school??!!

 **No:** ***grade***

 **Avril Lavigne:** THAT'S STILL LIKE 15!!

 **No:** good to know

 **Cindy-Ella:** you didn’t know the number?

 **No:** I lost track after like Thomas #9

 **Got goat?:** that’s horrible

 **Sanic:** while you were arguing over the amount of Thomas’s MJs given blow jobs to, I got a date to Olive Garden

 **Cindy-Ella:** go Flash!!! I was wondering where you went!

 **Got goat?:** how’d you do it?

 **Sanic:** ““Hey Uhh I heard you like guys”””

““Yeah what about it?””

“Would you be willing to go on a date with me?””

“Oh dude! Totally! Here’s my number””” *scrawls down number* “I’ll let you plan. Text me when you got it!”””

“Oh, uh ok!!”

“Looking forward to it!””

“Me too!”” *then I wave goodbye and walk away clutching onto the number for dear life.*

We were both grinning the whole time. Who knew the quarterback of our fucking football team who is also a really good chemist would be gay and cute and available.

 **No:** I gotta say. That’s really fucking cute.

 **B-abe:** that’s how you /know/ it’s cute

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank.
> 
> allso if you have any suggestions or feedback please yes.


	4. Olive Garden and Gay Parents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flash goes on his date!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peter : Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth  
> Flash : Sanic  
> Sally : Avril Lavigne  
> Abe : B-Abe  
> Ned : *hacker voice* I'm in:  
> MJ : No  
> Cindy : Cindy-Ella  
> Charles : Got goat?
> 
> Have fun bitches I love you
> 
> Parker

**Sanic:** Today is the day

 **Sanic:** The day for the date

 **Sanic:** The date with Chris

 **Sanic:** the date with Chris that I’m totally freaking out over

 **Sanic:** oh my god i'm gonna puke

 **Avril Lavigne:** dude chill youll be fine as rain

 **Sanic:** thats not a saying

 **Sanic:** its right as rain

 **Avril Lavigne:** what ever bitch

 **Avril Lavigne:** Im excpecting live messages

 **No:** even /i/ said yall were gonna be cute so i deserve your olive garden date play-by-play

 **Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** yes whore!!

 **Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** if you don’t come to practice with a bag of cold breadsticks and a cute picture of y’all together tomorrow, we’re disowning you

 **Sanic:** I’ll do my best to fulfill your wishes

 **Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** thanks so much we love you!!!!

\--

 **Sanic:** ok here we go

 **No:** eyes yes yes yes ye s

 **Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** I don't think i've seen em so excited about something

 **B-Abe:** except getting that dick?

 **Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** No not even that

 **Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** well i mean she doesnt chant yes over an over again

 **B-Abe:** harsh world dude

 **Sanic:** at his house with flowers calming myself down so i can go pick him up

 **Cindy-Ella:** I think chris is like 40 pounds heavier than you, how will you pick him up??

 **Cindy-Ella:** if anything this guy will pick you up

 **Sanic:** oh fuck off cinderella

 **Sanic:** ngl his house is so cute

 **Sanic:** its like a cottage but bigger and cuter and i love it

 **Sanic:** at his door

 **Got goat?:Sanic:** oh my god he has like four brothers???? And one of them just opened the door and said “you must be flash. Chris is still getting ready, hell be down in a minute, come in!” oh my god theyre so nice????? And huge??? His brothers are huge??? like the tallest one is 6’4”??

 **Sanic:** one of them iS IN PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL??

 **Sanic:** ONES A BAKER?? HE OWNS A BAKERY DOWNTOWN??

**Sanic:** ONE IS IN THE CHAMBER ORCHESTRA WITH A FUCKING BASSSS???  
 **Sanic:** AND THE LAST ONE IS A STAY AT HOME DAD TO LIKE THREE KIDS AND THAT'S THE 6’4” ONE BUT ALL OF THE BROTHERS + THEIR FAMILIES CAME UP HERE FOR ST PATTYS DAY WHICH WAS TWO DAYS AGO BECAUSE THEYRE VERY IRISH WHICH YOU NEVER WOULDVE GUESSED LOOKING AT CHRIS EXCEPT FOR HOW PALE HE IS WOW

 **Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** gotta say this is hilarious oh my god

 **Avril Lavigne:** PETER 

**Avril Lavigne** ON MY GOOD CHRISTIAN MINECRAFT SERVER HOUSEHOLD?

 **Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** Sorry good ma’am

 **Avril Lavigne:** Now apologize to our lord and savior

 **Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** sorry satan

 **Avril Lavigne:** Thank you

 **Sanic:** ………..

 **Sanic:** I think i'm in love

 **No:** OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED FLASH WHAT HAPPENED

 **Sanic:** Chris is the most beautiful man ive ever seen

 **Sanic:** and i met jeff goldblum

 **Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** Just give us a description flash!! I'm reading these to steve and bucky cause i casually mentioned at dinner that my friend who just came out as gay is going on his first date with the quarterback or something and they were like tell us how it goes and i was like well hes going to be telling us how it goes as it's going and now theyre literally waiting for everything this is like a movie to us

 **Sanic:** Chris just walked down the stairs with like the brightest smile ever and hes wearing makeup very subtly and hes so cute let me see if i can get a pic

 **Sanic:** I told him that he was gorgeous and he just blushed and said oh thank you i wasnt sure youd like it?? in like the most timid voice ever and i don't think like anone in our school has seen this side of chris

 **Sanic:** We said goodbye to his brothers and brothers significant others and his parents and now were in the car and i'm disguising my texting as picking out music for the drive

 **Got goat?:** I know i've been very silent throughout this but i gotta say flash is being so cute right now

 **Sanic:** I told him his brothers were very nice to me and they seem great and hes like “theyre overwhelming sometimes”” and I was liek “i don't even have siblings so can't relate and my parents are assholes and your parents are so nice and then i apologized for spilling so much withing 10 minutes of our first date and he smiled and said “I like an honest man”

 **Sanic:** ok by yall i gotta drive

 **No:** Bye flash

 **Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** Steve and Bucky say bye too

 **Cindy-Ella:** Don't fuck anything up

 **Avril Lavigne:** If you don't get us our breadsticks MJ’s kicking you off the team

 **No:** Maybee

 **Got goat?:** Euughgh my dad gave me a smoothie and that shits nasty oh my god

 **Got goat?:** my sister went off to college this summer and she made jamba juice worthy smoothies and now that she's gone i only have my dad's smoothies

 ***hacker voie* I’m in:** haha fucking suc ks man my mothers’ make the best smoothies

 **Cindy-Ella:** wait ned you have gay moms?/

 ***hacker voice* I’m in:** yes

 **Cindy-Ella:** OK I FEEL LIKE GAY PARENTS ARE LITErALLY 20X NIVER THAN STRiAGHT PARENTS OMG

 **Cindy-Ella:** I went to Charles’ house and hsi dads’ were like “Hi heres forty different drink offers it's so nice to meet you do you want a cupcake or some fruit??”” like yeS PLEASE

 **Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** well it depends, i think gay dad's are nicer than gay moms so oooo 

***hacker voice* I’m in:** come onn man it’s not my fault they started with that..

 **Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** THEY LITERALLY TOLD ME THAT I NEEDED TO COVER UP MY FRECKLES BETTER IF I EVER WANTED TO GET A PARTNER!! ok but then they offered me some water. BUT ALSO I WAS 8!! HA SUCK IT MJ LOVES MY FRECKLES MORE THAN MY DICK

 **No:** as one should in a healthy relationship

 ***hacker voice* I’m in:** OK TO BE FAIR MY MAMA IS A STONE COLD LATINA BITCH WHO WORKS AS A CRIMINAL LAWYER AND MOM WORKS AT A LIBRARY

 **Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** it's fine though i forgave them three years later when ella finally gave me a kiss on the cheek as a greeting and still does now and ramona smiles at me when she sees me. I love your moms.

 ***hacker voice* I’m in:** honestly who doesn't

 **Sanic:** OK HES IN THE BATHROOM

 **Cindy-Ella:** !!!!!

 **Avril Lavigne:** All the deets please

 **Sanic:** I ordered some lasagna and he ordered chicken alfredo and now we’re just chatting about our lives. He’s going through the brothers so here wwe go

 **Sanic:** Brian: stay at home dad, oldest, wife (wendy) works as the head of technology at MIT

Jason: Professional footballer, second oldest, significant other (tay) is a financial assistant 

Westley: Bass in chamber orchestra, third oldest, husband (joey) is a rock climbing instructor

Harvey: Baker, second youngest, no significant other, is asexual

Chris: Hot. Chemist, footballer, youngest, possible significant other???? Cute as hell

 **Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** I’m went over to MJs and she’s writing everything down like it’s notes for chemistry class 

**No:** fuckface

 **Got goat?:** top 10 anime betrayals

 **Sanic:** Hes back bye

 **No:** byte

~ 2 hours later ~

 **Sanic:** Oh my god

 **Sanic:** he kissed me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any suggestions on what I should write nexts?


	5. Sickly Victorian child

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Honestly man? I don’t know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peter : Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth  
> Flash : Sanic  
> Sally : Avril Lavigne  
> Abe : B-Abe  
> Ned : *hacker voice* I'm in:  
> MJ : No  
> Cindy : Cindy-Ella  
> Charles : Got goat?
> 
> Love ya
> 
> Thank you and goodnight!
> 
> -Parker

**Avril Lavigne:** i'm wearing a ring pop and abe came up to me and held his hand out for a higihg five and i complied cause duh and he grabbed my hand very forcefully once i slapped his own and sucked the ring pop STILL ON MY FINGEr for a good 7 seconds wthhh

**B-Abe:** it was blue raspberry what was I supposed to do!!???

**Cindy-Ella:** Mr. Brown. Why in the fucking world would you do that????

**B-Abe:** IT WAS BLUE RASPBERRY WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO???

**Got goat?:** Not suck it?

**B-Abe:** But consider: it was blue raspberry and sal is chill

**Avril Lavigne:** calling me sal makes me feel like an old italian man who immigrated here and opened a pizza shop called sals. Do it more

**No:** you mean every italian place ever?

**Avril Lavigne:** That’s what I was thinking of!

***hacker voice* I’m in:** A FRESHMAN JUST BROUGHT HIS BLANKET TO CLASS I'M SO JEALOUS

**No:** dude

***hacker voice* I’m in:** lmao mr yates asked him to take it off and he just said “sir, with all due respect i'm not wearing pants under this so if you want me in my boxers for the rest of class i guess ill comply” and mr. yates was like “no nvm keep it”

**Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** Is his name a past tense of yeet?

**Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** it should be

**No:** Ned I dare you to ask him a question and be like “mr yeeted?”

**Got goat?:** Ill cry if you don't

**Dash:** remember that one time in tenth grade when condy was in science and jumped out the window after making a asexual joke? Ms. Hill was like “theres sexual and asexual reproduction in plants” and cindy was like “I'm asexual reproduction making your own children sounds like fUn.” in this very full echo-y classroom, realized what she said after like two minutes of sitting silently finishing her notes and then a kid in th eback laughed and she just looked up with this deer in headlights face and sprinted to the closest open window and jumped out

**Cindy-Ella:** I forgot about that how dare you!! 

**Cindy-Ella:** i pushed that into the most forgotten filing cabinets of my brain I hate you so much Flashothy

**Dash:** I don't know what made you think my full name is flashothy but I appreciate it

**Cindy-Ella:** seemed right

**Got goat?:** C O N D Y

**Cindy-Ella:** speaking of which, remember hwen sally did an interview with one of the yearbook kids (who was a freshman at the time) to be like “whats your life like?” and they asked “any special guys in your life?” like a fucking perv and she whispers really quietly in a shocked and scared and confused tone (i was right next to her) “do you think i'm straight?” and the kid just widened his eyes and walked away. 

***hacker voice* I’m in:** and then tHEY PUT IT IN THE YEARBOOK

**Avril Lavigne:** I was already out, it's ok

**Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** I was ready to punch that kid for outing you

**Avril Lavigne:** aw spidey is my savior!!

***hacker voice* I’m in:** the boy who brought his blanket is sharing with the kid who sits next to him. BOyFRIED??

**Dash:** speaking of boyfriends chris asked me to be his and hes so cute and i think i'm in actual love

**Cindy-Ella:** awwww

~~

**Avril Lavigne:** I just got into my house, shut the door quietly and screamed “FAtHEr” in my confused sickly victorian child accent like i always do and turns out theres a guy in our house fixing our fridge so i just left and called my dad and was like “why didn't you tell me there was a guy fixing our fridge” and he was like “I thought i did rooster” cause he calls me rooster for some reason and i was like “ok but i didn't hear and i just walked into the house and screamed father like i always do” and he was like “Oop lmao sucks to be you” and then he hung up I don't know what to do???

**Got goat?:** “confused sickly victorian child accent”

**Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** I would say you could come over snce may always loves guests but i'm at tonys rn

**Got goat?:** me too

**Got goat?:** not being at tonys but i just got home and tripped and now i'm laying on the floor in my dining room crying myself to death i guess

**Cindy-Ella:** you can come here!! My little brOthres are running around but since i'm the only girl i have my own room in our four bedroom apartment

**Avril Lavigne:** Ill be over in a minute

**Cindy-Ella:** see you soon!

**Cindy-Ella:** hey charles?

**Got goat?:** yesitty?

**Cindy-Ella:** ignoring that, why is your name got goat??

**Got goat?:** like got milk but goats cause i love goat milk

**Cindy-Ella:** thank you for your religious insight

~~

**Avril Lavigne:** I just got to Cindy’s and she welcomed me in and I could her one of her brothers in the backgroun going “WHAT THE FUCKING HELL JOAN! YOU CAN'T JUST EAT MY CHAPSTICK!” turns out joan is her 13 year old brother.

**Cindy-Ella:** has been known to swallow styrofoam, triangle tortilla chips whole, (he likes how it scratches up his throat) pencils, lipstick, and sucks on the mascara wand

**Cindy-Ella:** he is a regular with the gastrointestinal doctors and nurses at Queens Memorial hospital

**Got goat?:** can he talk?

**Got goat?:** also is he gay?

**Cindy-Ella:** he talks too much and I know where you're going with the gay thing and i get it but sadly, hes straight

**Avril Lavigne:** I'm having such a mom complex rn

**Avril Lavigne:** i just want to stop him from everything

_Got goat?_ renamed _Avril Lavigne_ to _Mom_

**Mom:** i like it!

**Got goat?:** no problem /mom/

**Mom:** go to your room young man and take goddamn nap!

**Got goat?:** best mom ever love you

**Got goat?:** but also i don't have a mom so i wouldn't know sorry sal

**Mom:** no non non non o kiddo don't worry about it

**Cindy-Ella:** sally does is french now??

**Mom:** oui

~~

**Mom:** I saw this girl on my walk home with this giant sword on her back and i was like “Hey I like your sword!”  
And she said ‘  
“Thanks i'm going to assassinate the president!”  
bruh i'm not even mad

**Mom:** I want a sword so bad

**Mom:** I’d call it kindness so if someone told me to kill them with kindness i'd be like “Yeah sure” and go murder them

**Mom:** someone make me a sword

**Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** ok mom you got it

**Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** Ill get tony to make you one this week 

**Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** text me a picture of the kind of sword you want and we'll make it

**Mom:** wait really??? Wth???

**Mom:** longswordiwant.jpg

**Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** oh wow! That's pretty ill shwo tony and well see if we can do it

**Mom:** you totally don't have to if you don't want o

**Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** of course we will!! WAIT

**Mom:** what?? Is everything ok??

**Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** THORS IN TOWN AND HES MADE SWORDS BEFORE ILL ASK TONY IF THOR CAN HELP US HOLY SHIT

**Mom:** holy sHIT!!

**Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** DUDE YOU COULD COME OVER AND HELP US AND MEET MY FAM!!!

**Dash:** It still skeeves me out that peter can just refer to the avengers as his family

**Mom:** uhhhh yessss??? ONLY IF YOU INTRODUCE ME TO BLACK WIDOW SHE'S SO BADASS I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS FOR HER

**Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** Aunt Nat would love to meet you!!!

**Dash:** ok ‘Aunt Nat?’ it's still odd

**Jake Gyllenhaal’s teeth:** I’ll meet you outside the gym on friday and we can go back to teh tower

**Mom:** sounds good!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank

**Author's Note:**

> thank
> 
> alirhgt bye


End file.
